Saturday, April 24, 2010

five :: maybe the sunshine isn't the trick

I had thought maybe the weather had a lot to do with it. But, maybe I was wrong. I do tend to be wrong sometimes, a lot of the time.

I had thought it was the perpetual grey-ness, the forever weeping, seeping sky, and air heavy with fog. But then, lo and behold, the sun has been shining on us for almost three days now and the air has had that tinge of warmth that promises a change is coming... and I still struggle to lift my head, to be thankful.

It's just so easy to be swayed. Too easy, it seems.  My throat hurts, and I feel that pounding drainage behind my eyes, and it makes me snap at things, like small children, or human husbands. It's not my fault, it's the drainage, I tell you. There are other things too, like sick babies who cry a lot and just want to be held. They don't sleep well at night and they wake up far earlier than is proper and just. So I'm sure that it isn't my fault, it's the sick children, I tell you. My counter top is cracking, and bubbling, and generally looking like a piece of plywood left out in the rain. I also ran out of clothing detergent, and my ayi was sick so I couldn't leave the house with one very sick and two semi-sick kids in the rain (it did rain once this week) to go get more. I can't imagine it is my fault, it's the counter top and lack of detergent, I tell you.

But it really isn't. Because I know that my circumstances, they are not in charge of me. I just like to let them be. I throw them back in my sweet husband's face when he wants to find out what is really bothering me. I don't like to think I'm just plain grumpy, and weak, oh... and wrong sometimes.

I do have much to be grateful, exceedingly thankful for. The first one being that when I am weak, when I was weak, it was then at that perfect and completely helpless, pathetic time that He died for me. While I was a sinner, and while I am a sinner still, it was and is then that He saves me. I love Psalm 25 because it always reminds me that He leads sinners in the way. Thank Goodness. Because that is me, sinning, needing the way and needing Him to lead me in it.

And I'm also thankful for...

  • My busy little scout, sleeping still, which means I'm sitting here, writing still.
  • A beautiful, blue sky day that the boys are playing in and have been since this morning.
  • Ten little friends from our concrete complex, ringing doorbells, riding bikes, playing soccer, building forts out of trash, filling the afternoon air with screams and laughter.
  • The blissful feeling of hair being washed and head massaged at the salon.
  • a cute little lady giving me knitting instructions in Chinese as she waited for her perm to set.
  • Raisins, real dark juicy ones, on sale! And a cute little girl's tank top being sold by a road side vendor.
  • Strawberries, firm and fresh and deliciously red with shortcake and whipped cream. 
  • Little boys asking questions... do we know anyone in our family who is adopted? Oh! WE are! Because we are in God's family!!
  • Packages from home. New pajamas, vanilla flavoring (how timely, I just ran out), pretty girl dresses (she even said ooooooh, daddy! ook!!), and more books!
  • A friend bringing by some oh so lovely, the color of sunshine flowers.

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