First Days of School

Do most mother's dream of the first day they send their children off to school? I have to say I didn't. Even though we spent the last couple years agonizing (it seemed) over whether or not we should send Riley early, or make him wait another year, the first day of this momentous occasion seemed like it snuck up on me.

The first clue that I was not planning for this day as I ought was when I caused him to miss the bus because of my lackadaisical preparations, i.e. never actually checking the bus schedule. This resulted in me guessing based on when I saw the kids walking up the hill to catch the bus last year, and I was off by about twenty minutes- twenty minutes too late it turned out. My sweet boy was un-phased by this mistake on my part and we quickly recovered by borrowing money from another mom (I was toting Ari and Sadie in my running garb) and hailing a taxi for the 25 minute ride to school. Not long after getting on the taxi I realized First Day Failure #2: Forgot to take picture of first child on their first day of school heading out the door.

When we arrived the excitement that had been building in Riley's psyche for almost two years now all dwindled in a matter of seconds when he surveyed the crowd of what seemed like thousands of children (in reality maybe around 100?) gathering in the main courtyard. They were filing nicely into their classes and looked excited, cheery, maybe a little nervous for the first day to begin. Riley was nearly in the fetal position. By now, sobbing and stating quite firmly he was not staying and was returning home with me and the rest of his comrades from the womb. Looking back, I think it was a Divine change of plans that we missed that bus and I was able to be there with him to work through those first tough moments. Finally, a couple friends who are teachers came over and offered to stay with Sadie and Ari while I went with Riley to his classroom, which we did- with him still firmly believing that he would not be staying. But it is amazing what a few well-placed name tags will do for a 4 year old and it was not long after finding his personal cubby, seat, coat hook, and who knows what else, that he was waving goodbye while hurriedly wiping tears from his face in an effort to become the mature Pre-K'er he now believed he had always been.

With the traumatic beginning behind us, the days have continued with little incident. The makeup of his class makes for some funny stories. It's quite diverse: 6 kids with four languages (Korean, Chinese, German, and English). Riley stated that they all speak Spanish. His Chinese is improving little by little though, which is encouraging. Today he also asked me if he could have some alone time in his room, building with blocks... "like, this could be the Building Center and you and Ari could go to the Cooking Center in the kitchen like we have at school."

Though I failed to look sentimentally ahead to this day with any real emotional preparation, I do find that my heart twinges a bit when he kisses me goodbye in the morning, sounding so old and adult with his questions about what he has for lunch and telling us he'll miss us but not to worry about him. And I've been trying to make up for my initial lack of enthusiasm by working on ideas to restore myself to status of Supermom... at least in my son's eyes. One idea that I thought was pretty ingenious but was quickly corrected otherwise was making super healthy, sugarless oatmeal cookies! What good mom doesn't try to provide healthy, heart-conscious snacks for her growing, brain and muscle-developing children? Riley was not fooled. A request was put in for the "OTHER oatmeal cookies, mom!" I have pressed on though. With a little tweaking of the recipe I think it's pretty good now and the boys seem satisfied- or at least they are eating and not choking or gagging... and sometimes ask for more.

So, in honor of the First Day's of School here is a new, healthy, not-too-bad-tasting recipe for Oatmeal Cookies.

1 cup whole wheat flour (perhaps 1/4- 1/2 cup more depending on the moisture of the dough)

1 1/2 cups rolled oats

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 T. cinnamon

1/2 cup honey

1/2 cup olive oil (can also use some applesauce in place of oil if you want)

1 T. molasses

2 eggs (beat with 1 T. water)

1 tsp vanilla

can also add raisins or walnuts OR I added about 1/2 - 1 cup small, diced apples.

Returning to China for those whose home country is elsewhere must always have strong sensations associated with it. There are smells and sounds and sights that are so particular to this place and can overwhelm you with their reality when you are flung back into their presence. For me these past two weeks, they included some of the following: the sound of a xiao (chinese flute) being played by an elderly man as I ran along the ocean path early one morning, the pungent odor of feces and garbage accentuated by the oppressive heat as I walked to the store, a mini van slowing down to my walking speed and following me for several minutes simply in order to stare at me- a waiguoren (foreigner), fresh steamed vegetables and jiaozi with rice for dinner!, the smiling face of our ayi and her genuinely delighted hugs and kisses for the kids upon our return, pushing my cart through hoards of sweaty crowds as I fought with pushy old ladies to get my vegetables weighed at the grocery store, a broken air conditioner.

But for all the beautiful, easy, convenient things I miss about life in the States, there are many things I love and appreciate about the people and pace of life here in China. I love the simplicity of our schedule and the close fellowship we share with our friends. I love the cheap food and the fact that I'm forced to make many more things by hand. I love the friendliness of the people and the way they love children and the fact that I feel safe most of the time. I am grateful that because life is not easy for so many around me, it forces me to think about my own life and the life of others in a different way.

The days continue to resume a bit more normalcy and routine. Riley started school last week. Sadie began sleeping through the night again. I was able to stay awake past 7:30pm. Chinese lessons start again in a couple weeks and I'm reinvigorated to start studying again. On our flight back to China, after finishing a bowl of yogurt, Riley looked up at me with his empty bowl and said "Mom. meiyou (meaning " have none"). My Chinese is back!"

I don't know the secret to contentment, though I did read a great book on it by the Puritan Thomas Watson once. He had some excellent pastoral ideas, but not the magic potion:) There is something simple about doing the thing before you that you believe God has given you to do though. And for us, that is being in this place. In spite of all that is not ideal (is there any ideal place though really?), I continue to find peace and contentment here. It's almost surprising to me and maybe even moreso that it continues! So, the return to the Far East is bagged. I'm glad to be back and ready to embrace the ridiculous humidity, obnoxious stares, and funky smells. I think it helps that I snuck back a few goodies from Target too. Here's to being content wherever in the world it is God places you.

My Home Away from Home

It has been nearly two and a half months since I've been able to sit down and write something here. The biggest reason for that is that blogspot and a slew of other servers are blocked here in China. The most recent casualty was facebook... something Josh has no problem with since he recently shut down his page out of some highly principled issue with the way it feeds on our narcissistic tendencies (or obsessions). I actually agree with him though it sounds like I'm mocking. But I am less principled than he. And I appreciate the good things about facebook in spite of it's time-sucking, egocentric qualities. Like, the simple fact that I can stay in touch with people and see pictures of their lives and hear little updates on a pretty regular basis. And for me, living so far away and so detached from so many people who are dear to me, this is a very worthwhile and good thing.

So there you have it, life in the PRC means living with blocked internet access on a regular basis. But the other reason for the long hiatus was that we were able to travel home to the States this summer for two months. I could have written while we were there, but somehow in the midst of plane trips and road trips, visiting old friends and soaking in the joys of a summer in places like the Adirondacks of NY, the rolling and historical charm of Philadelphia, the lull of beach life on the Jersey Shore, the simple and yet intriguing college town of Muncie, IN, the northwood beauty of Hayward, WI, and of course- the old standby- my parents back porch in Northwest Indiana, I failed to find the energy or maybe just motivation to put my hand to the keyboard. Apologies to all my faithful readers (i.e. sorry, mom).

Now I find myself back in Qingdao, with a (hopefully) excellent proxy at my side, time on my hands and thoughts in my head. So, I go forth.

I've been reflecting quite a bit on returning home. It's a new experience for me to be on hold for years at a time with things like shopping (fun shopping that is), being with family and friends, enjoying the freedom and ease of being in a land that you understand and that understands you. And it's a challenge to be flooded with all of that for 2 months of gorging and then return to a foreign place... that's really starting to feel more like home too!

So, more to come on that subject. For now, this post is long enough I think. But I will say that 7 days and 7 nights of jet lag later- it is good to be back and yet hard to be away again. Maybe that's a taste of what we should always be feeling, maybe to a greater degree even; at home here where we were made to be (on earth), but not at home because we're really foreigners in a world that is so far from the way it was created to be. Either way, I am truly feeling at home away from Home.

Dill-icious iDeas

For some reason one of the flavors I have missed here in China is dill. I was never it's number one fan previous to moving here or anything, but we had a pretty friendly relationship and absence tends to make the heart, and apparently the palate, grow fonder. Sometimes as I would come out of a store or market I would get a whiff of what smelled very much to me like dill and my eyes would comb the street around me to see if there was someone selling food or vegetables or SOMEthing that would lead me to a place I could perhaps buy this now treasured herb. But did you know that the smell of metal grinding is very similar to dill? I didn't... but now I do.

The last few months I have been preparing a very sacred list on which I put every whim that passes through my head of something that I miss or wish I had... and intend to get when we go home to the States this summer. Probably 95 percent of those items will be crossed off the list when I realize how unnecessary they are to our actual daily life not to mention how much they now cost. As you may have guessed, dill made it on that list. So, try to imagine my delight as I stopped into a supermarket the other day that I rarely get to because of its distance from my house, and came across a deliiciously fresh package of my cherished herb! (I'm not trying to be unfaithful to my true favorite- cilantro- but with cilantro our paths cross daily so the intensity of my feelings when I see it are just not the same)

Nothing says summer to me like the smell of freshly cut grass on an early morning run, watching an evening Little League game with my husband and an ice cream cone, the smell of the grill, worn in flip flops and now, the taste of dill. So, in honor of my excitement about this oft neglected herb, here are a few recipes for some dill inspired dishes... granted it may not be the star player in any of them but it definitely adds some kick and flair and summer goodness! Feel free to add your own or post another dill-icious idea.

Cheddar Cheese and Dill Biscuits
"Fresh dill and chives make these rolls perfect for serving whenever you grill out, or even split and topped with homemade chicken salad"

3 c. all purpose flour
4-1/2 t. baking powder
1 T. sugar
1-1/2 t. dry mustard (I used whole grain)
1 t. salt
1/2 stick unsalted butter, chilled and cut into pieces
(I sub. shortening for this- whatever you have!)
1/4 c. shortening, chilled and cut into pieces
1 c. plus 2 T. milk
1/4 c. fresh chives, chopped
2-1/2 c. sharp cheddar cheese, grated and divided

Sift together flour, baking powder, sugar, mustard, and salt. Cut in butter and shortening until crumbly. Blend together milk, chives and dill, stir into dry ingredients and add in 2 cups cheese. On a lightly floured surface, knead dough lightly. Roll out 1/2 in. think and cut using a floured biscuit cutter. Sprinkle biscuit tops with remaining cheese, place on a lightly oiled baking sheet and bake at 450 degrees for 15 minutes. makes approx. 18 biscuits.

Stuffed Mushrooms

24 large mushrooms
1/4 cup sliced green onions
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup butter or marg
2/3 c. fine dry bread crumbs
1/2 c. shredded cheddar or smoked Gouda cheese
1 T. freshly chopped dill

1. Rinse and drain mushrooms. Remove stems; reserve caps. Chop enough stems to make 1 cup.

2. In a medium saucepan cook the chopped stems, green onions, and garlic in butter until tender. Stir in bread crumbs and cheese. Spoon crumb mixture into mushroom caps. Arrange stuffed mushroom in a 15x10x1 inch baking pan. Bake in a 425 oven for 8 to 10 minutes or until heated through.

the Importance of Being Eaters

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating or drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.

-Voltaire

I have an eating disorder. Actually, I think we all do. Maybe it was best said by  Lillian Calles Barger in an interview for Mars Hill Audio I listened to recently where she called it "disordered eating." We have taken what is supposed to be not only a necessity, as Voltaire stated, but a beautiful pleasure as well, and have made into, well, here's a couple pictures to get 

you thinking...

I remember a coach I had in high school who talked about her years as a college ball player and how she literally thought about food merely as fuel for the machine that was her body. She was in such a high level of fitness and training that she ate exactly the amount of nutrients and carbs to sustain her body at the level of performance she wanted it at. Sometimes that meant she could get what she needed merely from a power bar and since she dedicated so much time to training and to her sport- a power bar was often all she had time for (hmm... can't really relate much to that scenario).

I  know someone else who desires to lose some pounds and struggles to keep from eating too many sweets. As a result this person finds something that fits the "low fat" calorie count- like fat free microwave popcorn, and eats 10 bags a day. 

We all have some sort of "disordered eating" habits. And by disordered I mean, out of the orderly way we were designed to be in our God-given bodies. Whether it's feeling weary with small children at home and resorting to easy meals full of pre-packaged foods, or coming home to an empty house and eating in front of the TV, or eating in the car on the way to or home from work, we often eat in a way that defies the God-given plan for us to experience our human-ness in it's fullest and most glorious way (I think that way includes Sumatra coffee by the way)

Here's the idea behind it: we were made to live in physical bodies that require physical food, but in the beauty and complexity of that design, we are also affected by how we go about doing that very task of eating. We are not animals. As I'm sure Oprah or some health guru will tell you, our eating habits are closely connected to and tied in with our emotions, our intellect, our psyche and moods and of course our actual physiological well-being. And surprisingly, Oprah did not actually come up with that idea on her own... it's really an age old "Eden concept." Made from the earth, we were made to eat the earth as well. And we were made to eat together.

So, I've been thinking a lot about this whole "way we eat" thing quite a bit recently and there are four areas that are sort of (I hesitate to say goals though that is in fact what they are) some things I want to work towards and maybe they are things you could work towards as well.

Here they are:

1. Eat fresh.

I know it's hard. I know it costs more. I know there are challenges because even when I eat fresh, which is actually quite cheap here in China, I know that what I am eating is actually pumped with who knows how many litres of steroids and is about the furthest thing from "organic" outside of being grown in a laboratory. But back to fresh... it is what we were MADE to eat and we need it! Not only that but the more we eat in delicious, fresh, mouth-watering ways the more we will enjoy the food we were made to be sustained by and to (what a gift!) enjoy to the fullest! Isn't it interesting that so much of celebration in the Biblical tradition is centered around eating. And this is true eschatologically as well. We don't lose our bodies... they are made new, made to enjoy things to the fullest- including food.

2. Eat slowly.

I do not mean to chew your food 20 times or some other crazy diet plan to help you get full before you eat too much. I simply mean that it takes time to make good food, and we need to make the time to do that. I don't know all of what that means, there are probably a million arguments against it for each of our particular lives and schedules. But, if the way we eat is really important, I think the way we prepare for it can be equally so. What we care about, we take pride in. And I think we should care about how we eat, not in a self-consumed diet conscious kind of way, but more in a wanting to eat the way we were ordered (as in designed) to do so: nutritiously, in community with people, enjoying every minute of it. 

3. Eat local.

I'm not a member of the Slow-Food movement. I think it's a great idea but at this point the closest I can get is to buy from my little vegetable man-friend inside our front gate. He's awesome by the way; speaks a tiny tiny bit of English which he likes to practice when I come in, always has a little magic trick to wow the boys with, is cute as a little Chinese button, and I get to see him almost every day. That's what I mean when I say eat local- support your local farmers if you can-- but more importantly, I think you should use the means of getting your food as a way of being a part of the community you've been placed in. And that means getting to know the people who grow or sell you your food. Shop at a farmer's market, or at the very least, try to talk to the man nicely stacking oranges at your local grocery store.

4. Eat together.

To me, this is one of the most important. Maybe you really can't feasibly attempt the other three, but this one you should strive for. I heard something said the other day to the gist of, one of the things that distinguishes us from animals is the way we eat together. We converse, we share, we laugh, we learn, we give and take in conversation. 

People lament the loss of family dinner times and one of the biggest reasons is because that is where the family talked and shared about the day, their lives, the things that mattered in the world. But I don't mean just your family- maybe you don't even have one at this point. Eat with others, including friends or people who need care, or someone you're wanting to get to know. One of the beautiful things about food is that not only is it something we were given as a means to sustain us and to find pleasure in, but also for the purpose of giving to others. The film "Babette's Feast" is one of the most profound pictures of someone literally laying down their life for their friends through the service of a meal. And through this gift a community experiences redemption. You should watch it and then think about how much eating together and preparing food for someone can actually mean! My interview friend, Lillian, said" ...the fact that people eat alone, they eat in front of the television, people eat out of boxes in their cars, eating out of vending machines; this kind of eating is disordered because it is disconnected from a communal nurturance that is needed. People over-eat and under-eat when it is disconnected in this way."

So, I'm going to lay off the food lecture circuit for awhile now. But before I hang my hat I'd like to share one last thing... a recipe. This is my latest favorite bread to make, whole grain hearty goodness. There are probably way better recipes out there but this is one I have that I can actually find ingredients for and tastes pretty good too! Here you go:

Mixed Grain Bread

3.5 to 4 cups all purpose flour

2 packages active dry yeast

1.5 cups milk

3/4 cup water

1/2 cup cracked wheat

1/4 cup cornmeal

1/4 cup brown sugar

3 Tablespoons cooking oil

1.5 tsp. salt

1.5 cups whole wheat flour

1/2 cup rolled oats

1/2 cup sunflower seeds (shelled)

Rolled oats

1. In a large mixing bowl combine 2 cups of the all-purpose flour and the yeast; set aside. In a medium saucepan combine milk, water, cracked wheat, cornmeal, brown sugar, oil, and salt. Heat and stir over medium-low heat just until warm. Add the milk mixture to the flour mixture. Beat with an electric mixer on low to medium speed 30 seconds, scraping sides of bowl. Beat on high speed for 3 minutes. using a wooden spoon, stir in whole wheat flour, the 1/2 cup rolled oats, seeds, and as much remaining all-purpose flour as you can.

2. Turn dough out onto lightly floured surface. Knead in enough of the remaining all-purpose flour to make a moderately stiff dough that is smooth and elastic (6 to 8 min total). Shape dough into a ball. Place in lightly greased bowl, turning once to grease surface of dough. Cover; let rise in a warm place until double in size (about an hour).

3. Punch dough down. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface; divide in half. Cover; let rest 10 minutes Meanwhile, lightly grease two 8x4x2 in loaf pans.

4. Shape dough into loaves by patting or rolling. Place shaped dough halves in prepared pans. Cover; let rise in a warm place until nearly double (about 30 minutes).

5. Brush tops of loaves with water; sprinkle with additional rolled oats. Bake in 375 oven for 30 to 35 minutes or until bread sounds hollow when lightly tapped. Immediately removed bread from pans. Cool on wire racks.

Tell me what you eat, I'll tell you who you are. ~Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

I enjoy food. Who, being in their right mind doesn't? I don't think I enjoy it the way some good food lovers do though. My palate is pretty limited and I came to realize this more acutely when I moved to a country that enjoys food found in an entirely different sphere of acceptable edible-ness. This does not mean I hide away in  my closet, stocking it with foreign imported goods. On the contrary, I've really enjoyed getting to know and actually have grown to love some ethnic foods I had not before been exposed to in my midwestern (and then east coast) upbringing. Like Korean food. Who knew that in moving to China I would actually be far more exposed to Korean cuisine? And Indian. I used to wrinkle my nose at the ceaseless smell of curry filtering out from our neighbors door in the first apartment building we lived in. Now it's my food of choice when we eat out. But all this to say that my palate is still limited, especially when I compare it to the bottomless gullet of my husband and his apparent inability to be grossed out or dislike anything- except canned tuna.

So, the Photo Food Challenge began not because I thought I needed to dislike food, but only because I need to eat it- as most of us would like to- appropriately. That of course means with the proper balance of nutrition and proportion. And even though this has been something I have always been interested in since realizing as a 9th grader that my butt would not get any smaller with the second helping of ice cream after dinner (nowadays I think girls are learning it quite a bit younger- too much younger), I became a little more conscious of it recently when I began to realize the baby weight from #3 was not melting off quite as effortlessly as I'd hoped it would. And for all you naysayers out there (again mom- thanks for reading)... I am currently living on two pairs of jeans that fit me- one with some serious holes creeping into an unacceptable area due to extrene overuse.

Thus began the pursuit to eat a little healthier. And one of the biggest areas for me is battling the nightly craving to stuff myself silly with sweets. I never thought of myself as having  a problem in this area but when I mentioned the fact that I think I might to Josh, he kind of reacted in a way that made me think maybe I'd been in the dark on this issue a little too long.

One recent afternoon as I hopped online to check my email, I noticed a link to something talking about using pictures to help curb your diet. I clicked on it and the Photo Food Challenge was born. The idea is that if you take pictures of everything you eat during the day, it will, a) help you to assess what you actually put in your mouth and, b) maybe urge you to think before eating something you shouldn't. I think if you do it, publishing it on the worldwide web is also a great facilitator of restraint.

So here goes. These are the fine photos taken from my entire eating menu yesterday. If they look strangely like a sorry, amateur attempt at a Martha Steward 10-easy (but really ridiculously hard to make with impossible to find ingredients)-meals-for-the-week photo shoot, that's because they are. I tried to have a little fun but am not expecting a job offer any time soon.

One last thing... though this is all a bit light hearted (and hopefully will help me eat in a way that is good for my heart), my reading of Miroslav Volf's book has gotten me thinking about giving... in every area- even food! So, the next post may get a little philosophical on giving and receiving- in the area of food. I know, exciting. Do try and restrain yourselves. 

Breakfast: the same for me, everyday- toast w/ butter and honey. And the best part, a steaming cup of deep, dark, strong coffee with cream. yummm. 

Lunch: leftover rice and stir-fried green peppers (capsicums for all you Aussies) from the night before. Usually I have a midmorning munch crunch but this particular day I was so busy I uncharacteristically forgot about it. 

Water: I have finally become a water drinker. It doesn't matter how many times I read about how good and necessary it is for our bodies to function... I just think it is boring, boring, boring. But nursing has motivated me and somehow when it's in a bottle it seems so much cooler.

Dinner: Curry with chicken and veggies and, what else? you got it- rice. And some spinach and carrots. One winning point for China is her super cheap fruit and veggies and the fact that all the pre-packaged foods are things I don't recognize and am too nervous to try. 

Evening Snack: Normally I would eat several more brownies than this lonely fellow- but thanks again to the worldwide web, I was able to restrain myself. I'd like to give a shout out to my father-in-law as well for inspiring the "fruit cup" which he created a lovely version of for his nightly snack attack and I have continued to copy. I ate it with a little jello actually but forgot to take a picture before gobbling it down.

The more you eat, the less flavor; The less you eat, the more flavor

-Chinese Proverb

Dependent Living

I woke up this morning with one blissful thought immediately coming to mind- Josh is home. I could smell brewed coffee... no need to get up to a cold apartment and make it myself. I could hear the kids waking up and asking for books to read... no need to crawl out of bed and help them with their "pre" wake up routine of bathroom visits, asking how long until they can come out of their rooms, picking books to put on their beds, etc. I felt that deliciously weightless feeling that comes when the person who shares the load of raising this family with me has once again returned and I am no longer the sole-- well, the sole everything. 

And it wasn't just the help I missed- though sometimes that seems to be the most glaring quality I'm in need of when I have three little ones and only one set of hands. An ironic thought struck me the other day when I was thinking about how you normally tire of someone's company after a certain, "proper" amount of time, but not your mate. I mean, of course most people need time to themselves once in awhile (some more than others), but on the whole you don't find yourself thinking, "okay, it's been a couple months now- we need to spend a weekend away from each other." Now don't go thinking of all the examples you can to trash my ironic thought. I'm saying as gently as possible, without launching into a treatise on marriage, normally. 

But, back to what I missed. I certainly was missing him when I got home from dinner at a friend's house one evening, thinking it would be a quick-to-bed night because it was late and they'd all played hard. But of course it wasn't. Riley was sobbing about having to go to the bathroom because "it WON'T come!" and he promised me that even if he stood there all night and all the next day, "it would NEVER come!" Meanwhile, Sadie was screaming her head off in bed, clearly overtired and therefore having trouble falling asleep- another thing I find ironic. Ari was peeling off clothes- but only because he wanted to put his basketball jersey on and run a couple sprint sets in our living room before bed- but he couldn't find his "jewsey" because it was being washed. Finally, the issues began resolving. Riley eventually told me he peed in a bush outside our friend's apt. before coming home. Wish he would have mentioned that earlier before I launched into the whole power struggle. I picked Sadie up and rocked her for a minute before her eyes gratefully closed. Ari seemed to get it when I sat his pudgy little naked body down and explained it was pajama-time, not calisthenics-time. Though he needs it. 

I'm off track again. Maybe I really did just miss the help. 

But truly, outside of all those moments when simply another set of arms and another authoritative voice would have been enough, I found myself once again realizing all the things God has so graciously (and I do mean- without merit, giving me what I do not deserve) given me in the husband he has drugged into marrying me. Just kidding. The calming influence, the stimulating conversation, the probing questions, the challenging force, the willingness to think hard and talk when it's scary, the hilarity, the laughs, and so much more... I just don't want to embarrass him.

It's funny how, with all this "dependent" talk- I can, at the same time, want to be thought of as so strong, independent, self-made. I went out to coffee the other day with a new friend and even though beforehand I consciously warned myself against it, I still found myself feeling like a loser afterwards because I felt like I had been a lame conversationalist... possibly even embarrassing. There's the social awkwardness rearing its ugly head again. But, as this "loser" feeling continued to follow me around the rest of the day and into the next, I started trying to uncover what it was that was really bothering me. It became clear that once again I had set out to present myself as this intelligent, wise, and capable mother of three who had not been swallowed up by my children. When I realized I had failed to present this idea of a woman, because I had simply come across as what I am, I was disappointed, and pretty bummed. 

Today I read a quote by Martin Luther in Miroslav Volf's "Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace." They were the last words of a man who had spent his life struggling through and then articulating and fighting for some of the most important truths of the Christian faith. He said, "We are beggars-- that is true." To understand the full context of what he was saying and what Volf was quoting him for- definitely read the book. As I thought about the gratefulness I felt for the return of my husband and all my neediness of him, and the continual struggle I have to be viewed as having little need in the area of intelligence or got-it-togetherness, I was struck by this quote. Beggars before One person. Not self-made, not able to make anything of myself at all, but because of the Person I stand before, this is the "height of human dignity," the very best place I can be.